Let's start with the no kids issue I'm having. I am a wonderful person and want at least one child that came out of me, literally. However, the problem I'm finding is that, in this day and age, a child seems to be more of an accident than a blessing. Men and women have changed. I want a husband, a home, a career, and then children, but it seems finding a man that wants the same is difficult. I have friends, you know the kind with benefits, but I have one in particular that I want with my mind, body, and soul. What do ya know?? HE'S MARRIED. I don't just think he feels we should be together, he shows me and we connect. This is really hard to describe unless you have felt that connection before. I will think about him, and he will call. Of course, I can't call him because of the wife situation, but it is strange how I can think of him and he makes a decision to call me. That is an example of our connection. For identity’s sake, we will call him "Married Man," and I will get into him in further blog posts.
I recently was with "Married Man," having dinner together at a Chinese restaurant. We got our fortune cookies, and, after reading his, he instantly handed it to me and said that it was mine. It read, "You will be reacquainted with an old friend." I didn't think nothing of it, but the next day, at the mall, I ran into an old "friend". I put it in quotes to emphasize that we were friends with benefits, fuck buddies, lovers; whatever you want to call it. He followed me and finally said, "You don't remember me do you?" Of course I did, but I played dumb and said, "You look very familiar, but I'm terrible with names." I really couldn't remember his name, but I surely remembered him. Once again, for identity's sake, we will call him "Mall Boy". We exchanged numbers and texted the rest of that day. The next afternoon, we met up at a motel, and, in his words were, "gonna just chill and get to spend time together." When a guy says that, I know sex is involved, but a part of me wanted it, so I went. We did talk a little and watch some TV, but before long, I was changing into lingerie, that I remembered he liked, and we were starting foreplay. Awesome of course, but I did not feel that connection I felt with "Married Man". Also, "Mall Boy" is either shy or just doesn't want to get to know me, just my body. I haven't deciphered that yet.
I have been with a lot of men, no numbers, please. Let's just say, I am experienced and I know what I like. Until "Married Man" I had never felt like I was ready to give my whole self to someone. I know what you're thinking, but you're still fucking with other guys. I'm torn. I want to stop looking and stop seeing what else is out there, but why should I? "Married Man" is, well, married.
A little back story on "Married Man", I’ve known him off and on for about 4 years, but we spent all last summer together, sneaking around, and I ended up pregnant. At the same time, his wife became pregnant, too. About 10 weeks in, I had a miscarriage, but right now, his wife is still carrying a baby boy. When I told him I was pregnant and lost it, he started crying and said that his wife cheated on him, a one night stand, and it could possibly not be his. He said he knew the baby I was carrying was his. He said he was going to be a man and accept the fact that his wife's baby is going to come out looking for a daddy, and he was going to be it. We have remained friends since then because my logic was if I can't have him all, then I at least want him in my life as a friend, but the connection is so strong, we have made love many times during our "friendship". Yesterday, I told "Married Man" how I really felt. Every time I see him, I hurt because I am staring at my soul mate and can't have him. Every time he talks about his wife and his baby, I want to break down and cry, but I don't want him to see this because I want him to be happy and know that I support him 100%. Well, the truth came out yesterday and I told him all the emotions that I have felt just sitting back and watching the man I'm in love with live his life with a woman that is not me. I think he was thrown back by what I said and the conversation ended abruptly, with me telling him goodbye.
He called back today, and we talked about yesterday and I reiterated how I felt and that we should just stop communicating. I told him I just wanted him to be happy. He came back with the fact that me being in his life makes him happy. I said, "Me too, but it also hurts." He concluded the conversation with he would not contact me again, and once again, I told him, "Goodbye". Five minutes later, he calls me and says, "I just want you to know that I am still going to contact you because I think that its right. You don't have to answer or respond, but I will continue to call you." At this point, I don't know if I should ever answer his call because if I don't he may stop calling me. If I do, I may never have him all to myself and end up comparing every guy I meet to him and never find my husband.
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