Looking for Love in all the wrong ways: 5/17/2012

Since my last post, I have met with "Married Man" two times, but only once to discuss our situation. I told him we will part ways after my birthday, which is Sunday. The conversation was like our relationship: intense. We laughed, cried, and confused each other further. One thing is for certain: We agree to disagree. We reminisced about the good times and cried about the bad times. I remember one time, he said something that I can't remember and I buckled over and started to cry. He rubbed my back. The tingly feeling his hand left reminded me why I started this whole ordeal of separation. I love him too much, I love him more than he loves me, and/or I love him differently than he loves me. When I gave him that line in our discussion, he said, "Do not say that because it is not true. The love is shared, but I have prior obligations." What do I say to that? I wanted to scream, "LEAVE HER!!" but I couldn't. I won't! I want to earn it, not ask for it.

The second time we met, it was like we hadn't even had the discussion in the first place. He called me as he normally did to see how I was doing and told me how his work was going. We met in my driveway for casual conversation. I cooked him something to eat and we talked for a few minutes. I am going to give myself to him one more time before we end communication completely. My birthday and our relationship are going to go out with a bang, literally! I haven't talked to him since that conversation, but will truly be disappointed if I cannot have my birthday wish: one last time with "Married Man," the man I am in love with.

Let's get back to "Mall Boy." I have texted with him on a regular basis since our sexual encounter at a cheap motel. As a matter of fact, I met up with him, again, today, at the same cheap ass motel. This time seemed different. The first time, he was trying too hard. He kissed me, rubbed on me, and made it look like we were making love, when in reality; we were just fucking because there was no love there. This time, we fucked, and if you had been watching, you could have said, "They are fucking like hell!" I can tell he has sex a lot because he takes forever to get his nut. He did most of the work. He pounded me like he was mad at me! I loved it! It was so good, I was dizzy afterwards. We fucked for an hour! I am not a little woman, so I was sweaty and out of breath, but I wanted him to nut and so did he. I climbed on top of him and rode him like I was 17 again! My thighs are killing me, but he nutted so hard that his eyes rolled in the back of his head, and he let out a noise that I have never heard before. After he nutted, I kept riding him vigorously just to keep hearing that weird noise he was making and to watch his face go into an almost painful look. When I got off of him, I collapsed on the bed next to him trying to catch my breath and cool off. He hopped up and grabbed a wash cloth and wetted it for me to wash up. As I was getting up, he handed it to me. Then, he said he was hungry and asked if I was too. Of course I was, I just burned all the calories I had taken in for the day. He said, "Come on. We will go to grab some pizza." I got dressed and cleaned up my face and hair as much as I could because I was still sweating profusely. We got in his car and he cracked the windows. It was about 95 degrees in his car and I thought he was trying to kill me, but he said, "You're going to smoke right?" I hadn't even thought about it, but I did smoke after rolling my window completely down. That was the quickest I had ever smoked a cigarette. I rolled up my window quickly and he turned on the a/c without me even asking. I lied back in the seat and drifted off in my head. He assumed I was asleep and kept driving. I opened my eyes after about 15 minutes and asked where we were going and he laughed and said, "Don't worry about it. I could be taking us to Carowinds and you should just sit back and enjoy the ride." I laughed and said, "OK." We ended up at a pizza place about 30 minutes from our cheap ass motel room. The lunch was nice. We chatted about the past, present, and even future. The conversation was calming and gave me a little hope about "Mall Boy." When the server brought the check, she sat it next to me and he casually said, "You can put that over here." I was impressed. After eating, we drove back to the motel room and didn't say anything, but listened to music, loudly. Just to throw this in there, he opened every single door we came to for me. Once again, I was impressed. Back at the motel room, we chatted a little, but were wore out and ended up watching TV. He rubbed on me a little and talked about my fresh tattoo. We parted ways shortly after a conversation he had on the phone with a "friend," that was a woman. I could hear her loud ass mouth over the phone, across the room. I felt a little bit of jealousy, but nothing alarming. I told him thanks for lunch and he said, "Yeah, no problem, I told you if you fucks with me, I will take care of you." Laugh out loud! That's all I could do on that one. He texted me about an hour ago and we talked about our sexual experience today. He said it was great and couldn't stop talking about me riding him there at the end and how I kept going and going after he nutted. I said, "Glad you liked my grand finale." He said, "Yeah, you might make me fall in love lol." I just sent back, "lol," and left it at that. He hasn't said anything else back. Now I'm sitting here listening to Pandora and wishing that my life was different. I really want a husband and family, and I just don't think "Mall Boy" is family material. I may be wrong, so I am going to "ride" this one out and see where we go.

Looking for Love: About my blog 5/14/2012

Where do I start? Right now it is 11:03pm on a Monday night. In less than one week, May 20th, I will turn 27. The whole idea of this blog is to share my search for a husband in today's society from the perspective of a woman that lives in the poverty ravished, southern part of America. I have no kids, no husband, no prospects of any kind of boyfriend, no degree (although working on one), and am surviving on unemployment because my job moved to another state and I was too chicken shit to leave my family and move away.

Let's start with the no kids issue I'm having. I am a wonderful person and want at least one child that came out of me, literally. However, the problem I'm finding is that, in this day and age, a child seems to be more of an accident than a blessing. Men and women have changed. I want a husband, a home, a career, and then children, but it seems finding a man that wants the same is difficult. I have friends, you know the kind with benefits, but I have one in particular that I want with my mind, body, and soul. What do ya know?? HE'S MARRIED. I don't just think he feels we should be together, he shows me and we connect. This is really hard to describe unless you have felt that connection before. I will think about him, and he will call. Of course, I can't call him because of the wife situation, but it is strange how I can think of him and he makes a decision to call me. That is an example of our connection. For identity’s sake, we will call him "Married Man," and I will get into him in further blog posts.

I recently was with "Married Man," having dinner together at a Chinese restaurant. We got our fortune cookies, and, after reading his, he instantly handed it to me and said that it was mine. It read, "You will be reacquainted with an old friend." I didn't think nothing of it, but the next day, at the mall, I ran into an old "friend". I put it in quotes to emphasize that we were friends with benefits, fuck buddies, lovers; whatever you want to call it. He followed me and finally said, "You don't remember me do you?" Of course I did, but I played dumb and said, "You look very familiar, but I'm terrible with names." I really couldn't remember his name, but I surely remembered him. Once again, for identity's sake, we will call him "Mall Boy". We exchanged numbers and texted the rest of that day. The next afternoon, we met up at a motel, and, in his words were, "gonna just chill and get to spend time together." When a guy says that, I know sex is involved, but a part of me wanted it, so I went. We did talk a little and watch some TV, but before long, I was changing into lingerie, that I remembered he liked, and we were starting foreplay. Awesome of course, but I did not feel that connection I felt with "Married Man". Also, "Mall Boy" is either shy or just doesn't want to get to know me, just my body. I haven't deciphered that yet.

I have been with a lot of men, no numbers, please. Let's just say, I am experienced and I know what I like. Until "Married Man" I had never felt like I was ready to give my whole self to someone. I know what you're thinking, but you're still fucking with other guys. I'm torn. I want to stop looking and stop seeing what else is out there, but why should I? "Married Man" is, well, married.

A little back story on "Married Man", I’ve known him off and on for about 4 years, but we spent all last summer together, sneaking around, and I ended up pregnant. At the same time, his wife became pregnant, too. About 10 weeks in, I had a miscarriage, but right now, his wife is still carrying a baby boy. When I told him I was pregnant and lost it, he started crying and said that his wife cheated on him, a one night stand, and it could possibly not be his. He said he knew the baby I was carrying was his. He said he was going to be a man and accept the fact that his wife's baby is going to come out looking for a daddy, and he was going to be it. We have remained friends since then because my logic was if I can't have him all, then I at least want him in my life as a friend, but the connection is so strong, we have made love many times during our "friendship". Yesterday, I told "Married Man" how I really felt. Every time I see him, I hurt because I am staring at my soul mate and can't have him. Every time he talks about his wife and his baby, I want to break down and cry, but I don't want him to see this because I want him to be happy and know that I support him 100%. Well, the truth came out yesterday and I told him all the emotions that I have felt just sitting back and watching the man I'm in love with live his life with a woman that is not me. I think he was thrown back by what I said and the conversation ended abruptly, with me telling him goodbye.

He called back today, and we talked about yesterday and I reiterated how I felt and that we should just stop communicating. I told him I just wanted him to be happy. He came back with the fact that me being in his life makes him happy. I said, "Me too, but it also hurts." He concluded the conversation with he would not contact me again, and once again, I told him, "Goodbye". Five minutes later, he calls me and says, "I just want you to know that I am still going to contact you because I think that its right. You don't have to answer or respond, but I will continue to call you." At this point, I don't know if I should ever answer his call because if I don't he may stop calling me. If I do, I may never have him all to myself and end up comparing every guy I meet to him and never find my husband.